What we stand for
The Magna Charter
Twenty things we believe about local radio in Lincolnshire. Twenty crimes against a quiet life, and twenty proportionate punishments.
By Adam Weighell
The Plane-Landing Clapper
Crime
Clapping when the plane lands.
Punishment
Last to leave the aircraft. All passengers and crew depart before you while you contemplate your actions.
The Pancake Punner
Crime
Making a terrible joke about tossing pancakes.
Punishment
No pancakes for you. Instead, you clean up and wash dishes for everyone.
The Empty-Carton Replacer
Crime
Putting an empty carton of milk back in the fridge.
Punishment
Get on all fours and moo sadly, then handle the next round of beverages for the group.
The Lift-Button Hammerer
Crime
Pressing the lift button more than once.
Punishment
Explain to nearby people why you thought pressing it again would help, then stay in the lift ten minutes apologising to each new person.
The Cinema Phone Offender
Crime
Allowing your phone to ring in the cinema.
Punishment
You must stand while the rest of the cinema pelts you with popcorn.
The Ungrateful Driver
Crime
Failing to give a thankful wave, or even a thumbs up, to the driver who let you through.
Punishment
Stand at a busy intersection for two hours waving thanks to every vehicle.
The Public Speakerphoner
Crime
Using speakerphone in public.
Punishment
Anyone nearby is legally entitled to join the conversation.
The Escalator Stopper
Crime
Stopping suddenly at the top of an escalator.
Punishment
Ride it up and down for thirty minutes, apologising to passers-by.
The Reply-All Repeat Offender
Crime
Replying all unnecessarily.
Punishment
Banned from Reply All for thirty days; provide office snacks.
The Office Fish Microwaver
Crime
Microwaving fish at work.
Punishment
You are banned from the microwave and reassigned to cold lunches only.
The “Five Minutes Away” Liar
Crime
If you say “I'm five minutes away” but you're still at home.
Punishment
You must pay a late tax. The first round of drinks or the takeaway is on you.
The Aisle Blocker
Crime
If you block a supermarket aisle for a catch-up.
Punishment
Your trolley is confiscated and you are relocated to the frozen aisle until you cool off.
The Panic Petrol Buyer
Crime
If you panic-buy petrol because someone on Facebook said there might be a shortage.
Punishment
You must give three lifts to strangers until your tank returns to a sensible level.
The Indoor Sunglasses Wearer
Crime
If you keep your sunglasses on indoors because it is “still sunny outside”.
Punishment
You must remain in character as a mysterious celebrity for the rest of the day and sign autographs.
The TV Remote Hoarder
Crime
If you hide the remote so nobody else can change the channel.
Punishment
You must act as a human footstool for the duration of the viewing. You also lose all voting rights on what to watch next.
The Queue Jumper
Crime
If you pretend not to realise there is a queue and walk straight to the front.
Punishment
You must return to the back and loudly apologise to every single person.
The Group Chat Ghost
Crime
If you read a message and reply three days later with “Just seen this”.
Punishment
You must organise the next meet-up and pay for the food or drinks.
The Overpacker
Crime
If you say “I'll just bring a small bag” and arrive with three suitcases.
Punishment
You must carry everyone else's luggage too.
The Microwave Countdown Watcher
Crime
If you stand staring at the microwave for the entire countdown and block the kitchen.
Punishment
You must loudly provide running commentary for the final ten seconds.
The “I'll Just Have One Drink” Liar
Crime
If you say “I'll just have one drink” and then stay out all night.
Punishment
You must prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner the following day while quietly reflecting on your decisions.
The Carousel Crowder
Crime
Standing directly in front of the baggage carousel before any bags appear.
Punishment
You must stand three metres back and narrate every suitcase that arrives.
The Crossing-Button Hammerer
Crime
Pressing the pedestrian crossing button repeatedly as if it makes the lights change faster.
Punishment
You must stand there and calmly explain to everyone that it only needed one press.
The Wonky-Trolley Whinger
Crime
Taking a trolley with a wonky wheel and complaining about it for the entire shop.
Punishment
You must finish the shop using that exact trolley and apologise for your moaning at the checkout.
The Minute Liar
Crime
Saying “This will only take a minute” before beginning a very long story.
Punishment
A timer is started. After thirty seconds, anyone present may politely walk away.
The Armrest Thief
Crime
Hogging both armrests on an aeroplane like a throne.
Punishment
You must sit through the flight with your elbows tucked in, holding the safety card, and apologise every time you move.
The Pending Payer
Crime
Saying “I'll pay you back” and mysteriously never doing it.
Punishment
Your contact name in everyone's phone (who you owe money to) becomes “Pending Payment”. You are also allowed to take something from their pockets and keep it until they make payment.
The Drop-In Visitor
Crime
Turning up unannounced at someone's house.
Punishment
You must empty your wallet as an entry fee and get the brews on.
The Non-Indicator
Crime
Not indicating while driving (yes, BMW drivers).
Punishment
You must be driven around as a passenger in the back of a car and when turning left or right, you must place your arms out of the windows like indicators (imagine a 1920s driver).
The Empty-Seat Ignorer
Crime
Sitting right next to someone on public transport when there are loads of empty seats.
Punishment
You must stand up, relocate to an empty seat, and announce: “I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me.”
The Sun-Lounger Squatter
Crime
Reserving a sun lounger with a towel at 7am then disappearing to the breakfast buffet.
Punishment
Your towel is removed, replaced with a note reading “Nice try,” and you are publicly escorted to the Kids Club, where you must entertain other holidaymakers' over-excited little ones for an hour.
The Magna Charter is enforced daily on Magna Radio. Spot an offender? Pick up the phone, the studio takes evidence, photographs and audio recordings.
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